Two months ago I had dinner with Hannah (names changed), a friend of mine who works as a wedding photographer.
Our conversation flew fast and furious and the topic of business inevitably came up. Hanna spoke of her current struggle to find wedding “gigs” in a saturated market.
Later, she told me how she recently reconnected on Facebook with two friends from her days in Miami.
She was twenty-five and had left Long Island in search of an adventure. Carefree, she worked as a professional swing dancer. Huh? Wow!
The following week, Hannah and I met for breakfast and picked-up our conversation. Financial worries were chipping away at her self-confidence – in general and as a photographer.
Uncertainty was paralyzing her.
Tough times ask challenging questions of us. And so I asked Hannah – how much was she willing to sacrifice to fear?
She said she didn’t want to sacrifice anything – she didn’t want fear to be a constant companion.
I then suggested she take-up swing dancing again. She looked at me like I was nuts.
But, what better way to reconnect with yourself than with what gives you pleasure? I urged her to face fear with enjoyment.
She’s taken me up on my suggestion.
Yes, Hannah still worries about her next paying gig. However, embracing dance in the face of uncertainty has given her a renewed sense of talent and accomplishment.
And that has translated into a renewed confidence in her ability as a photographer.
Resist letting your fears overwhelm you.
Tap into what gives you joy and what reminds you of your potential.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
Philo of Alexandria
Over the last couple of months, in various ways and times, I’ve been reminded of the truth of Philo’s ancient observation.
In workshops and classes, seminars and coaching, I’ve encountered numerous people who are striving to become “more” of who they want to be.
And while the strivings are unique to each person, there is one core “battle” that seems more common than ever before.
It’s summed up in the question people most often ask me, “How do I have a conversation?”
People come to me for so many reasons, but eventually, they share their stranglehold fear: “I’m worried about what people will think of me because I don’t know how to carry on a conversation.”
If you’ve been reading my posts, you know that my great conviction is that life is ALL about meeting – about connecting.
And all connecting begins with a conversation.
A conversation is not a test. It’s not a contest.
It’s simply a chance to connect – for a few moments, for a period time or even for a lifetime!
Recently I sat on a Starbucks patio and banged out (in no particular order) the following list of what I know for sure about people – and conversations.
20 THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT TALKING TO PEOPLE
People are consistent, though not always logical.
Everyone has the capacity to surprise us because “consistency” is not immutable.
Don’t expect people to fully understand what they’re saying – I mean, do you understand what you’re saying all the time?
Most people want to present themselves in the best possible way, though their tactics may not always be the “best” – desperation and unease kindle odd behavior.
Humor goes a long way to breaking the ice – but there are also other ways to put people at ease – as often times a genuine smile will do the trick.
Observe and ask questions based on your observations because people are continuously sending out clues.
You never know what a conversation will lead to – a job, a friendship or maybe even a marriage proposal!
Remain open to being challenged – to learn – to expand – from anyone – especially those outside your circle of comfort.
Generational differences don’t matter when having a good conversation – good talk is good talk.
I will not always understand the other person’s p.o.v. – but I can ask them to help me.
I need to be present in a conversation – sometimes I’m better at it than other times – and that’s okay.
I can’t leave a conversation up to the other person – I need to own my responsibility for my share.
I want to give people something in our exchange – no matter how silly or profound – for why waste people’s time?
I may not always like the other person, but the goal is always to seek the common good.
I want to be in control – or at least in co-control – it’s all part of the dance.
I must have some kind of animation – and know how to modulate it to the other’s needs.
With some conversations the stakes are just not that high – and I don’t care about the outcome – and that’s okay, too.
I am biased – some people I click with more readily than with others – I just need to be aware of those biases and not let them trip me up.
I personally am guarded – residual, knee-jerk lack of trust – so I need to recognize this instinct and then move on (what’s yours?).
Everybody has a story – and IS a story – and there is nothing more true or more profound about people than this point!
And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin
I was at a Starbucks jotting down ideas for a book I’m writing when I overheard a weathered old man ask a pre-occupied woman, “do you know how to catch a polar bear?”
Before she could answer, he proceeded to tell her!
Life can be delightfully random at a Starbucks. Life, though, is seldom random at a business meeting where people are wonderfully consistent.
Last week I sat in via Zoom on a product development meeting with my new client, Winnie (names changed). She’s fun, articulate and insightful – though at this meeting she seemed to shrink before my eyes.
She was lead on the project, had done her prep and, yet, she was soft-spoken, allowed herself to be interrupted and contradicted, smiled in a humble manner and lacked the energy needed to propel her ideas around the Zoom “table.”
Later, during our debrief to determine what had happened, she offhandedly mentioned that her father always told her that,‘the meek shall inherit the earth.’
I’m not brazen enough to contradict The Beatitudes, but I do know that “the meek” don’t get heard at a conference table – on Zoom or in person!
We often think that “what” we say is more important than “how” we say it.
The truth is just the opposite.
Across the board, studies indicate that in any given conversation up to a full 80% of what we pay attention to is the non-verbal – body language, facial expressions, tone of voice.
Let that sink in. Only 20% of what we pay attention to is the actual content of what’s said.
What this means is that our non-verbal has to match our words and our words have to match our non-verbal.
When confused or distracted, people will “listen” to our bodies and not our words.
Enthusiasm and conviction have to be embodied so as to create an impression that assures people you know your stuff, you’re competent – in short, that you’re trustworthy.
We bemoan the b.s. artist who advances through the company’s ranks but often, the flimflam artist gets ahead because they are good at creating the “right” image.
I’m not encouraging you to lie or to be someone you’re not.
I am, though, encouraging you not to shrink from who you are and can be.
If you believe you’re offering value then you need to fully express that value – with your words AND with your non-verbal.
10 Basic Elements Needed To Generate an Effective Impression
Do you believe what you’re saying? If you don’t then you should be nervous! If you have doubts, then be confident in your doubts. Be confident in asking for reactions and feedback. Be curious and not intimidated. Know, though, why you’re saying what you’re saying and let that conviction come across in strength of voice, appropriate energy and volume levels.
Be present to the other(s), not viewing them as the “enemy” but rather as people who see things from another perspective. Again, be confident in your curiosity. Only by understanding their p.o.v. will you be capable of pivoting, explaining and generating clarity.
Listen. You can’t listen without being present and you can’t be present without listening. Let the other know you are listening with your eyes, with your face, with your body posture. Look like they are the center of your attention. Listen so that you do not feel a need to be defensive. “My gut reaction here to what you said is to become defensive. I don’t want to do that so tell me more.”
Smile. Earlier this year I had open heart surgery. In the interminable minutes prior to the surgery, while I was being prepped, the nurses smiled, the technicians smiled, the surgeon smiled, the anesthesiologist smiled. Sure, they may have been a bunch of sadists – but – I prefer to think that their smiles had something to do with their collective confidence and with how they wanted me to feel. I’m not advocating for a goofy smile, not an inappropriate smile, but to have that moment of a wink and a nod.
Know your purpose. Oftentimes people sound and look unsure and / or insecure because they don’t know going into a meeting what their role is or could be. And so they sound tentative or worse, conciliatory without being engaged.
Don’t make a statement in a questioning tone of voice. State statements. Ask questions. Inflect accordingly.
You don’t have to dominate a meeting to make an impression. Find your own way to contribute.
Be aware of what your face looks like when you are “in your head.” Ask trusted folks to reflect back. Years ago I was told by a student that I look intimidating. I was surprised – and amused – as I thought I was anything but intimidating. Usually, when I’m lost in my thoughts, it’s because I’m thinking of what I’m going to say – or – because I’m intimidated by the other person! Again, be present.
Remember that people are consistent. If you are having a meeting with colleagues you know then you do know how to prepare. You can be “nice” without playing other people’s games.
Show up! Know what you want people to know, to do and to feel by meeting’s end. Be clear on these three things and then speak and act in whatever way(s) needed to convey that clarity with energy and focus.
Remember – if you don’t believe in you then why should anyone else?
If you’re not mindfully creating an impression then folks will create an impression of you – usually one that is neither effective nor favorable!
Edie needed help with the computer, so she asked a colleague.
The girl snarked, “Didn’t they teach you this in training?”
Edie asked, “So, you don’t want to help?”
The girl snapped back in exasperation, “Let me see. I’m not sure how this works – you should know.”
Edie had had six interviews for this job and everyone agreed she was right for the position which had been open for a year. Now, she doesn’t like the job. “What’s wrong with me?” she asked.
Edie has traveled to 80 countries and will celebrate her 50th birthday in Antarctica. She’ll be on Easter Island for Christmas. She’s accomplished in her profession and is known for being good, really good, at what she does. YET, she questions herself.
Norman wants to leave his job, which he loves and which he is good at, really good at, because of two men in the office who he finds difficult to work with. He wants to be rid of them and is looking to escape. “why do I have to put up with their antics?” he angrily asks me. Escaping, though, is not the same as having a strategy.
Greta loves her job which she is good at, really good at, and is frustrated with her emotionally mercurial boss. On the verge of tears, she asked, “What do I do when Sam yells at me?What do I do when he doesn’t acknowledge what I’ve done?What do I do when he berates me in front of customers?”
Edie, Norman and Greta are all wrestling with questions that spring from a place of pain and confusion. Ultimately, each is wrestling with issues of “power.”
Power involves an array of attitudes + strategies. But at its core power is about –
asking the right questions – to gain the right answers –
so as to formulate the right strategies
What are the right questions?
What kind of behaviors am I willing to tolerate and why?
What kind of behaviors am I not willing to tolerate and why?
What kind of behaviors am I willing to permit and why?
What kind of behaviors am I not willing to permit and why?
The truth is – powerful people train others to treat them in a certain way.
What do you want to see happen?
This is not a wish. It is a powerful question.
Power means understanding other people’s patterns and habits.
Powerful people don’t share personal information with someone they know is an office gossip.
Power means not giving in to the curse of “should.”
“It’s not fair – she shouldn’t try to sabotage me” is a healthy response since she “shouldn’t.” Yet, she does because she is passive-aggressive. If you persist in feeling confused then that’s your “problem” – you have no strategy in dealing with toxic people.
Power means knowing the difference between being “right” and being “effective.”
Do I have a responsibility to make mistakes?
A responsibility to whom?
Do I have a responsibility to not make mistakes?
Does this mean I have a responsibility to be perfect?
Do I have a responsibility to learn from my mistakes?
Power means knowing that THE question is NOT “WHAT should I do?”
THE question is: “WHO do I want to be?”
What can I give the world today?
Answer that question, then assess what you need to do to become that person, then determine your level of skill and comfortableness in doing what you need to do.
What can I do –
To create understanding
To be gracious
To be respectful
To be assertive
THIS IS POWER
Asking, “what is wrong with me?” is not power. It’s self-pity.
