Month: October 2022

You have to stop setting yourself on fire trying to keep everyone else warm.

Anonymous

Last month I gave a workshop at UCLA where Lucy (names changed), one of the participants, shared that she’s frustrated with a co-worker who consistently criticizes her work while attempting to micro-manage her. Adding to the frustration is that the co-worker is a peer and not a supervisor. 

Lucy bottles up her annoyance and can’t leave those feelings at work. She doesn’t know what to do. 

We explored ways in which she could “retrain” the coworker by establishing boundaries. While Lucy was open to what I had to say, she ultimately admitted, “I don’t know if I can do this!”

A few days after that workshop I was doing an onsite with a client who brings me in once-a-year for a fine-tuning with her team. Ann, the department head, invited me to facilitate a four-hour session. 

It was a remarkable morning as these five people put aside phones and work to focus on each other – individually and as a team. 

With insight, humor and candor they examined the changes of the past year: where they are now as a group that has several new members, as well as what further improvements they could commit to making.

What quickly surfaced was the reality that as a group they’ve not been effective at Setting Boundaries. Saying NO does not come easy to this generous and competent group of women.

Because of the pressures on their time, it’s often easier to say, “I’ll do it” since they can get the “it” done fast and right. Because they’ve gotten into the reflexive habit of saying “I’ll do it” they’ve almost forgotten how to say “No.”

Their organization’s culture enjoys a glossy reputation to the outside world and its leaders are focused on keeping that prestige pristine. However, internal reality doesn’t match-up as those same leaders do not generate the needed appreciation for the work people do.

Within this culture they’ve become so good at what they do they’ve developed a mindset that they are responsible for saving people and events. 

And so, the conversation circled in on issues of respect – for self and others.

The group recognized that they can’t change people or systems or culture. 

So, what can they change?

Their own behavior and attitude.

I reminded them of the three core truths:

• We train people how to treat us.
• Old habits die hard. 
• Change happens only when we are aware of how we trip ourselves up.

And then came the “Ah, ha!” moment.

During one of our breaks, Cathy received an email from Karen, executive assistant to the president, who asked if she’d arrange parking passes for client guests the president was going to meet with later in the day. 

Cathy pointed to that email as a perfect example of what contributed to her own and the team’s frustration. Why can’t Karen get the passes herself?!

Good question!

Of course, the answer is – why should she? 

In the past, whenever Karen has asked Cathy to do something she herself could do, Cathy has said “yes.” And in saying “yes” Cathy was training Karen to be helpless!

Cathy used the email as an opportunity to immediately practice setting boundaries. She created a short, polite response saying she wasn’t able to fulfill the request.

What happened next?

Life went on. 

Karen arranged for the passes and the guests were able to park.

Other examples quickly surfaced and the group was amazed at how easily they’ve allowed people to steal their time and snag them in drama that had little, if anything, to do with them.

They re-embraced the truth of the truth: 

Bottled-up frustration eventually leaks out in weird (if not explosive) ways. Readjust your attitude, take responsibility, address it, AND then it’s easier to let it stay at work.

But – there was the lingering echo of old mantras: “I can’t set boundaries” because. . .

“It’s not worth the trouble.”

“I don’t want to not care.”

 Of course, you CAN set boundaries – if you choose.

Is it really not worth the trouble?

Why is it not worth it? 

Why is being treated with respect not worth it? 

Why is your sanity not worth it?

I don’t think it’s about “not caring.” 

In the case of Ann and her team they do care. It’s about readjusting the look and feel of their care.

It’s about caring so much you’re not willing to be a doormat or do other people’s jobs for them.

It’s about caring to form a new understanding of “respect.”

How to say NO?

Have a coaching session with yourself and answer these questions:

1.         How do you normally respond when someone oversteps a boundary?

2.         How normally do you feel?

3.         How would you like to respond?

4.         How do you want to feel?

5.         What would you have to do to feel that way?

6.         Why are you reluctant to do what you need to feel that way?

7.         Is there something else you could say/do so as to get closer to your desired feeling?

In the weeks since that four-hour, eye-opening conversation, Ann has reported that the team has had opportunities to practice setting boundaries in ways they have not done previously.

In the process, they are not only retraining others how to treat them – they’re retraining themselves in how to treat their own selves.

now THAT’s the business of confidence!

Business, like life, is about how you make people feel. It’s that simple, and it’s that hard.

Danny Meyer, “Setting the Table”

When I was growing-up in the Bronx, my mother wouldn’t allow my brother and me to go trick-or-treating. She claimed it was begging and if we wanted candy, we should ask her. And, no, we didn’t open the door to trick-or-treaters as they were considered beggars! Over the years, I’ve always had ambivalent feelings about all the Halloween hoopla. I’ve also wondered what had happened to make my mother think of a simple childhood ritual in such an odd and distrustful way.

Trust.

Ironically, although I did a stint in ministry and now coach people in how to communicate with confident authenticity, it is a value I seldom write or talk about.

As you can glean from my Halloween childhood, trust was actually not valued in my family. We had three locks on the apartment door because you couldn’t trust your neighbors – even though it was a boringly safe working–middle-class neighborhood!

Trust.

 This is the one time of year when I’m acutely mindful of this value because I find myself telling folks of my odd relationship to the holiday.

In recent weeks I’ve had several clients unexpectedly raise questions about “trust.”

Sharon (names changed) is the head of a department in a small, faith-based high school and she lamented that she doesn’t trust Gail, the head of another department. Gail in turn doesn’t trust Sharon. But, wait – this is supposedly a “faith-based” high school!

Jack does strategic capital planning with the Boards and Administrations of colleges and universities. In a recent exercise, he asked Board members of a particular private college to list the values they want their school to stand for – and that are currently in short supply at the college. “Trust” ranked #1.

The Board, to a person, revealed they felt afraid of retaliation from the Administration if they did not toe the line.

And then there’s Nathan. The golden son of Richard, who returned to LA to take over the business his dad, Richard, founded. Only problem, Nathan is alienating most of the team and not winning over the hearts of clients.

Nathan lamented, “I don’t think my dad trusts me.”

 I asked, “Do you trust your dad?” He replied, “I think he’s a hard worker.” Ah – that’s not what I asked! “Do you trust him?”

This time he admitted, “No. I think he lets people take advantage of him.”

But that still didn’t quite answer the “trust” question I posed.

Here’s the thing – 

Not only do you need trust in order to go trick-and-treating, you need a climate of trust in order to get your work done with confidence and poise. 

And as a leader, you need trust so you can guide your team in hard conversations for the purpose of bringing about clarity.

Nathan grew annoyed as I pressed him, “I have a vision – it’s a solid plan – we’ll all benefit – I don’t see why they’re too stupid not to get it.” Hmm. . .your team is too stupid??

Nathan is arrogant, dismissive and non-empathetic – on a good day – and he doesn’t understand what makes people – PEOPLE!

He’s not alone in not knowing how to trust his team and so help them be energized by that trust.

 What is your relationship to trust?

Who do you trust? (I’m hoping you can easily answer this question.)

And I’ll make it a tad harder by asking you, “Do you think people trust you?”

Why? Why do people trust you? What do you consciously do to generate “trust?”

Dr. Heidi Larson, founder of the Vaccine Confidence Project, who has spent much of her medical career helping peoples and nations overcome their fear of vaccinations, when asked how a bridge could be built between health experts and skeptical members of society, she simply said, “Start a conversation. Find a way to talk to people who don’t necessarily share all your beliefs: Look for an entry point.”

Described by peers as a “patient optimist,” her outlook is partly anthropological, grounded in an understanding of and empathy for the messy complexities of being human.

It also comes from the relative simplicity of her diagnosis: Building trust is an everyday action.

The line she repeatedly quotes is often attributed to Teddy Roosevelt: 

People don’t care about what you know, unless they know that you care.

Yep, that’s the trust dilemma.’”

Nathan has not been able to generate trust because he is not able to have a conversation with his dad or his team members because he thinks they are “too stupid” to understand his plan.

Sharon and Gail have been too focused on accusing each other of incompetence to be able to have a real conversation.

I suggested to Jack that in his next session with the Board he ask them, “If you trusted each other more what would need to happen?”

Here’s what I hope their answer would encompass –

If “trust” begins with the brave act of having a curiosity-based conversation, then that means we are committed to being –

Consistent in our prep for those conversations + entering into those conversations with an attitude of curiosity + being generous in our perseverance for mutual clarity.

If “trust” begins with the brave act of having a curiosity-based conversation, then that means we are committed to –

Empathetically embracing the “messy complexities” of being human means embracing that people can be –

Inconsistent

Confused in their thinking

Selfish

Odd

As they strive to trust themselves and others.

If you are committed to generating “trust” then you know through and through that –

words mean something

you must follow through on your words

you are committed to creating clarity of thought

If you are committed to generating “trust” then you know through and through that –

You must listen.

People come to me and say, “I want to be more confident.” Confidence can mean a whole lot of different things.

But here’s the thing –

You can only be confident if you are trust-generating

AND

only if recognize that by being trust-generating you’re doing something vital for society.

The Business of Confidence is really The Business of Trust!

BONUS : 12 Trust-Generating Phrases

1.    I don’t need to answer that (phone)

2.    It’s a common mistake – one that I’ve made

3.    We’re not in any rush

4.    It only makes sense you’re feeling frustrated – this is difficult stuff

5.    You’re right – I was wrong when I said. . .

6.    Let me tell you a story

7.    This is why I love what I do

8.    There’s no need to be embarrassed. Pause. Okay, maybe there is, but, hey, what’s the use in that?!

9.    Talk to me – what are you thinking?

10. What do you think you learned from all this?

11. Is this something you really want and if so help me understand why

12. Laugh! (when appropriate)

now THAT’s the business of confidence!