250 Things A Confident Person KNOWS About “Confidence”

Michael Sorkin was an influential architecture writer who, in his classic book, What Goes Upchampioned “the city” as the center for nourishing and nurturing spaces – spaces sustainable and just.

Pentagram is a renowned multi-disciplinary design studio. Their 2021 holiday card was based on Sorkin’s “250 Things an Architect Should Know” from What Goes Up. The 250 items on the list contain everything Sorkin believed an architect should know.

Sorkin’s 250 items not only inspired me – they got me thinking about what a confident person should know about “confidence.” Or, more precisely, what are the truths a confident person believes that allow them to be confident?

Over the past weeks (whole recuperating from heart surgery) I compiled my list. I have no doubt my list has items that will surprise you, that you might disagree with, and that might even puzzle you. I also presume that you could add your own items that I’ve not included – and I invite you to do so in the comments


Note: the first eight are a grateful nod to Sorkin

250 Things A Confident Person KNOWS About “Confidence”

  1. The distance of a whisper.
  2. Something about Feng Shui.
  3. What the client wants.
  4. What the client thinks they want.
  5. What the client needs.
  6. Another language.
  7. Shakespeare, et cetera.
  8. The depths of desire.
  9. How to talk to a call center rep.
  10. The necessity of back-up.
  11. The reasons for their tenacity.
  12. Accidents will happen.
  13. Sentence structure.
  14. Creation is a patient search.
  15. How to listen for what is not said.
  16. What they are afraid of.
  17. The proper way to behave with direct reports.
  18. How to engage with those providing a service.
  19. The fragility of human life.
  20. What to refuse to do, even for the money.
  21. The fine print in the contract.
  22. What makes them old-fashioned happy.
  23. How to give directions, efficiently and courteously.
  24. Everyone has a story.
  25. Everyone is a story.
  26. The story they have.
  27. The story they are.
  28. How to appreciate the whack-a-do of life.
  29. How they b.s. themselves.
  30. How they b.s. others.
  31. The complexity of failure.
  32. How to become healthier from failure.
  33. What a client is afraid of.
  34. How to engage in lively small talk.
  35. Their body.
  36. Their biases.
  37. Their demons.
  38. How to stare at a wall without guilt.
  39. How to ask questions that elicit mindful answers.
  40. In what setting they are least comfortable.
  41. In what setting they are most comfortable.
  42. How to “take in” a room.
  43. How to say “no” without awkwardness.
  44. How to give a heartening compliment.
  45. How to warmly receive a compliment.
  46. How to say “thank you” and mean it.
  47. How to enjoy a meal alone.
  48. How to enjoy a meal with strangers.
  49. The ways in which they sabotage themselves.
  50. How to smile genuinely.
  51. How to smile fakely when needed.
  52. The power of a euphemism.
  53. How to talk to a child.
  54. How to tell a story.
  55. How to remember details about another person.
  56. Who they want to be.
  57. Why they want to be who they want to be.
  58. They are responsible for their bucket list.
  59. How to graciously end a conversation.
  60. How to energetically conclude a business meeting.
  61. The kindness of strangers.
  62. How to be a kind stranger.
  63. How to laugh at themselves.
  64. When to stop talking.
  65. How to decipher body language.
  66. How to ask for what they want.
  67. For what they need.
  68. How to meditate.
  69. That today is a gift.
  70. That the past is the past.
  71. That the past is in the present.
  72. That the present is in the future.
  73. Old habits die hard.
  74. How to entertain.
  75. Their limits.
  76. That it’s okay to have limits.
  77. People do not always mean what they say.
  78. People want to believe what they say.
  79. People do not see everything.
  80. People are peculiar in what they remember.
  81. People do remember how you made them feel.
  82. Confidence is not arrogance.
  83. People want to be seen.
  84. What makes them attractive.
  85. And not so attractive.
  86. Words create reality.
  87. Any sorrow can be endured if a story can be told about it.
  88. How to apologize.
  89. How to demonstrate responsibility.
  90. How to make the other feel like the most important person in the world 
  91. Or at least the room.
  92. The importance of preparation.
  93. What gives them joy.
  94. Their friends’ birthdays.
  95. When not to speak.
  96. Why they’re going into a meeting.
  97. Business is all about relationships.
  98. That office politics are real.
  99. And have consequences.
  100. Shouting is most often a signal of weakness.
  101. The power of “I’ll handle it.”
  102. The difference between realistic and unrealistic expectations.
  103. Not to say anything about themselves they wouldn’t want others to say.
  104. How to appropriately embrace their style.
  105. That “sh*t” happens.
  106. That a title is just a title.
  107. How to maintain a capacity for surprise.
  108. What it is to be loved unconditionally.
  109. What it is to love unconditionally.
  110. The comfort of friendship.
  111. How to refreshingly spend time alone.
  112. How not to be held hostage by what others think.
  113. How to deal with guilt.
  114. How to keenly observe.
  115. How to shrewdly see.
  116. What they are feeling in the present.
  117. How to delight in “the different.”
  118. Confidence is not a continuous state of being.
  119. There is a difference between fear and paranoia.
  120. Evil exists.
  121. Their perspective is limited.
  122. Their family’s motto towards life and people.
  123. When to ask, “why not?”
  124. Not to be annoyed with an invitation.
  125. How to ask for help.
  126. From whom to ask for help.
  127. They are not reinventing the wheel.
  128. Risk.
  129. They are odd.
  130. The pleasure of reading.
  131. How to respect life’s mysteries.
  132. Fear is not to be feared.
  133. But respected.
  134. And learned from.
  135. The power of ritual.
  136. How to ignore their ringing phone while in conversation.
  137. How to reject intimidation.
  138. They are more than their ideas.
  139. The deep satisfaction of teaching.
  140. Mentoring.
  141. Coaching.
  142. They will screw up.
  143. The “different” are not to be demonized.
  144. It is never about them.
  145. Though sometimes it can be.
  146. You don’t need a big vocabulary to make a big impact.
  147. Jealousy is real.
  148. How to prepare.
  149. The ways in which they can be annoying.
  150. Not everyone needs to agree with them.
  151. The impact of a felt smile.
  152. How to say “I don’t know” without arrogance.
  153. How to be silly.
  154. How to network.
  155. The importance of checking their perception.
  156. How to find enjoyment in ordinary moments.
  157. How to be content with limited sources of enjoyment.
  158. John Naisbitt got it right with his high tech / high touch prediction.
  159. It’s foolish to put anyone on a pedestal.
  160. There’s more to life than bullet-pointed lists.
  161. The difference between “I can’t” and “I don’t want to.”
  162. They don’t need to do it alone.
  163. There’s no such thing as perfection.
  164. Just the pursuit of perfection.
  165. Logic doesn’t always rule the day.
  166. How to meaningfully ask, “how can I help you?”
  167. How to let go of the word “should.”
  168. They don’t need to become a savior.
  169. The effect of words can last a lifetime.
  170. They don’t have to act on their emotions.
  171. What they know.
  172. There’s a lot they don’t know.
  173. They don’t need to know it all.
  174. Relationships are a dance.
  175. It’s okay to cry.
  176. Dark words hobble the soul.
  177. Silence can equal death.
  178. Silence can be a balm.
  179. They will be judged.
  180. That’s okay.
  181. How to feel the fear and still do “it.”
  182. There are worse things than making a fool of yourself.
  183. Though not many.
  184. The luxury of graciousness.
  185. How to manage their Imposter Syndrome.
  186. The nuances of the lies they tell themselves.
  187. How to say, “enough!”
  188. They will not like everyone.
  189. Not everyone is like them.
  190. Not everyone will like them.
  191. They don’t have to please everyone.
  192. Effectiveness is grounded in strategy.
  193. How to trust experience.
  194. “That’s just me” is a bogus boast.
  195. Humor is a tricky tool.
  196. Humor goes a long way when deftly employed.
  197. There is no “how” without a “why.”
  198. How to prevent routine from becoming a rut.
  199. Pleasure from saying, “tell me more.”
  200. How to moderate their quirks.
  201. How to be resourceful in finding essential resources.
  202. The respect offered an adult needs to be offered a child.
  203. “Respect” is another word for “Recognize.”
  204. More than they did a year ago.
  205. How to cook a favorite meal.
  206. How to revisit a difficult conversation.
  207. How to express their uncomfortableness with an idea.
  208. How to appreciate a well-crafted euphemism.
  209. Their obligations to creating clarity over equivocation.
  210. The dangers of meanness.
  211. How to be vulnerable.
  212. How to affirm vulnerability shown by others.
  213. How not to be distracted by obvious distractions.
  214. How not to suffer fools easily.
  215. Confidence can be fickle depending upon the circumstance.
  216. How not to be discouraged by that fickleness.
  217. There is an abiding pleasure in helping others.
  218. How to be generous with encouragement.
  219. The feel of operating from a place of gratitude.
  220. The virtue of Eutrapelia.
  221. The difference between confidence and courage.
  222. How to forgive their own self.
  223. How to forgive the other.
  224. They have no need to boast.
  225. They have no need to be needlessly modest.
  226. The magic of looking someone in the eye.
  227. How and why and when to post to social media.
  228. How to tell an entertaining story.
  229. The value of therapy.
  230. That “I wish” is not a wish.
  231. The closer they accomplish a goal, the wilier become their doubts.
  232. Public presenting is a gift and not a chore.
  233. Asking for help is not a character defect.
  234. Asking for help is a compliment.
  235. Good people don’t always do what they say they’re going to do.
  236. Becoming ever more fully human requires conscious commitment.
  237. How to relax.
  238. People can’t read their mind.
  239. They can’t read another person’s mind.
  240. Not to confuse “similar to” with what is unique in the moment.
  241. There’s no benefit in rewriting history.
  242. The difference between hope and catastrophic expectations.
  243. People are consistent – for good and ill.
  244. Most people want to avoid conflict.
  245. The value of a healthy, difficult conversation.
  246. Cynicism is toxic.
  247. Life, ultimately, is all in the details.
  248. To change is to be human.
  249. Confidence is an acquired trait.
  250. Life is good and worthy of their best.

Do you want to break through the negative thinking 

that is preventing you from being influential and heard?

To explore how one-on-one communication skills coaching can help 

you present you with enhanced confidence,

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