Last week I Zoomed with two clients who were as different as night and day, though each shared a similar fear.

Leslie is a new referral who’s been out of work for five years. It is now clear that Leslie has a knack for sabotaging herself. The main way she does so is through her obsession with perfection.

A few years ago her goal had been to become a CPA. She signed-up for classes and got a steady stream of “C’s”.  Since nothing less than an “A” would suit her, she labeled herself a failure and quit. She says she still wants to become a CPA but is paralyzed with fear of “failure.”

Another client, Doria, recently received an exciting job offer – one she wasn’t sure she should take. For the last four years, Doria’s been working in a comfortable job that hasn’t demanded much from her. And that’s how she’s wanted it. She burned out running her own business and had wanted a job where she could replenish. She found it, but now she’s afraid – can she take on this new job with all of its challenges?

I have no doubt she can – she’s successfully reinvented herself several times. But she has the nagging fear, “what if I fail?” – and the even more nagging, “what if I succeed?”

Leslie, too, worries about success and admitted she doesn’t know what she’d do if she became a CPA.  I told her there’s only one way to find out! 

By the end of my session with Leslie, she had tears in her eyes, overwhelmed by it all.  

By the end of my session with Doria, she had a big grin on her face, as she knew what she had to do.

Although I’m not a psychologist, I know that within each woman there are deep “issues” stirring. 

I think, though, each was wrestling not only with what she wanted BUT also with what she did not want.

Doria reached a place in her life where she no longer wanted to sleepwalk through a job. That feeling of “not wanting” gave her strength to push aside fear and claim what she did want.

Leslie is at a place where she doesn’t want to let go of her need to be perfect. To believe that she could live a satisfying life imperfectly, is too frightening a proposition. She doesn’t want to let go of the image of how she should be and so she’s stuck.

Growing-up we’re often asked, “What do you want to be?”  

Maybe, though, the real question is, “What do you not want to be?”  

Answer that question and you’ll have the strength to choose your life with courage.

now THAT is the business of confidence. . .

Do you want to explore what you want from yourself – and what you DO NOT want?

To explore how life- skills coaching can help you live your life

 with enhanced confidence – and joy 

please contact me

  JP@thebusinessofconfidence.com

Michael Sorkin was an influential architecture writer who, in his classic book, What Goes Up, championed “the city” as the center for nourishing and nurturing spaces – spaces sustainable and just.

Pentagram is a renowned multi-disciplinary design studio. Their 2021 holiday card was based on Sorkin’s “250 Things an Architect Should Know” from What Goes Up. The 250 items on the list contain everything Sorkin believed an architect should know.

Sorkin’s 250 items not only inspired me – they got me thinking about what a confident person should know about “confidence.” Or, more precisely, what are the truths a confident person believes that allow them to be confident?

Over the past weeks (whole recuperating from heart surgery) I compiled my list. I have no doubt my list has items that will surprise you, that you might disagree with, and that might even puzzle you. I also presume that you could add your own items that I’ve not included – and I invite you to do so in the comments. 

Cheers!

Note: the first eight are a grateful nod to Sorkin

250 Things A Confident Person KNOWS About “Confidence”

1. The distance of a whisper.
2. Something about Feng Shui.
3. What the client wants.
4. What the client thinks they want.
5. What the client needs.
6. Another language.
7. Shakespeare, et cetera.
8. The depths of desire.
9. How to talk to a call center rep.
10. The necessity of back-up.
11. The reasons for their tenacity.
12. Accidents will happen.
13. Sentence structure.
14. Creation is a patient search.
15. How to listen for what is not said.
16. What they are afraid of.
17. The proper way to behave with direct reports.
18. How to engage with those providing a service.
19. The fragility of human life.
20. What to refuse to do, even for the money.
21. The fine print in the contract.
22. What makes them old-fashioned happy.
23. How to give directions, efficiently and courteously.
24. Everyone has a story.
25. Everyone is a story.
26. The story they have.
27. The story they are.
28. How to appreciate the whack-a-do of life.
29. How they b.s. themselves.
30. How they b.s. others.
31. The complexity of failure.
32. How to become healthier from failure.
33. What a client is afraid of.
34. How to engage in lively small talk.
35. Their body.
36. Their biases.
37. Their demons.
38. How to stare at a wall without guilt.
39. How to ask questions that elicit mindful answers.
40. In what setting they are least comfortable.
41. In what setting they are most comfortable.
42. How to “take in” a room.
43. How to say “no” without awkwardness.
44. How to give a heartening compliment.
45. How to warmly receive a compliment.
46. How to say “thank you” and mean it.
47. How to enjoy a meal alone.
48. How to enjoy a meal with strangers.
49. The ways in which they sabotage themselves.
50. How to smile genuinely.
51. How to smile fakely when needed.
52. The power of a euphemism.
53. How to talk to a child.
54. How to tell a story.
55. How to remember details about another person.
56. Who they want to be.
57. Why they want to be who they want to be.
58. They are responsible for their bucket list.
59. How to graciously end a conversation.
60. How to energetically conclude a business meeting.
61. The kindness of strangers.
62. How to be a kind stranger.
63. How to laugh at themselves.
64. When to stop talking.
65. How to decipher body language.
66. How to ask for what they want.
67. For what they need.
68. How to meditate.
69. That today is a gift.
70. That the past is the past.
71. That the past is in the present.
72. That the present is in the future.
73. Old habits die hard.
74. How to entertain.
75. Their limits.
76. That it’s okay to have limits.
77. People do not always mean what they say.
78. People want to believe what they say.
79. People do not see everything.
80. People are peculiar in what they remember.
81. People do remember how you made them feel.
82. Confidence is not arrogance.
83. People want to be seen.
84. What makes them attractive.
85. And not so attractive.
86. Words create reality.
87. Any sorrow can be endured if a story can be told about it.
88. How to apologize.
89. How to demonstrate responsibility.
90. How to make the other feel like the most important person in the world 
91. Or at least the room.
92. The importance of preparation.
93. What gives them joy.
94. Their friends’ birthdays.
95. When not to speak.
96. Why they’re going into a meeting.
97. Business is all about relationships.
98. That office politics are real.
99. And have consequences.
100. Shouting is most often a signal of weakness.
101. The power of “I’ll handle it.”
102. The difference between realistic and unrealistic expectations.
103. Not to say anything about themselves they wouldn’t want others to say.
104. How to appropriately embrace their style.
105. That “sh*t” happens.
106. That a title is just a title.
107. How to maintain a capacity for surprise.
108. What it is to be loved unconditionally.
109. What it is to love unconditionally.
110. The comfort of friendship.
111. How to refreshingly spend time alone.
112. How not to be held hostage by what others think.
113. How to deal with guilt.
114. How to keenly observe.
115. How to shrewdly see.
116. What they are feeling in the present.
117. How to delight in “the different.”
118. Confidence is not a continuous state of being.
119. There is a difference between fear and paranoia.
120. Evil exists.
121. Their perspective is limited.
122. Their family’s motto towards life and people.
123. When to ask, “why not?”
124. Not to be annoyed with an invitation.
125. How to ask for help.
126. From whom to ask for help.
127. They are not reinventing the wheel.
128. Risk.
129. They are odd.
130. The pleasure of reading.
131. How to respect life’s mysteries.
132. Fear is not to be feared.
133. But respected.
134. And learned from.
135. The power of ritual.
136. How to ignore their ringing phone while in conversation.
137. How to reject intimidation.
138. They are more than their ideas.
139. The deep satisfaction of teaching.
140. Mentoring.
141. Coaching.
142. They will screw up.
143. The “different” are not to be demonized.
144. It is never about them.
145. Though sometimes it can be.
146. You don’t need a big vocabulary to make a big impact.
147. Jealousy is real.
148. How to prepare.
149. The ways in which they can be annoying.
150. Not everyone needs to agree with them.
151. The impact of a felt smile.
152. How to say “I don’t know” without arrogance.
153. How to be silly.
154. How to network.
155. The importance of checking their perception.
156. How to find enjoyment in ordinary moments.
157. How to be content with limited sources of enjoyment.
158. John Naisbitt got it right with his high tech / high touch prediction.
159. It’s foolish to put anyone on a pedestal.
160. There’s more to life than bullet-pointed lists.
161. The difference between “I can’t” and “I don’t want to.”
162. They don’t need to do it alone.
163. There’s no such thing as perfection.
164. Just the pursuit of perfection.
165. Logic doesn’t always rule the day.
166. How to meaningfully ask, “how can I help you?”
167. How to let go of the word “should.”
168. They don’t need to become a savior.
169. The effect of words can last a lifetime.
170. They don’t have to act on their emotions.
171. What they know.
172. There’s a lot they don’t know.
173. They don’t need to know it all.
174. Relationships are a dance.
175. It’s okay to cry.
176. Dark words hobble the soul.
177. Silence can equal death.
178. Silence can be a balm.
179. They will be judged.
180. That’s okay.
181. How to feel the fear and still do “it.”
182. There are worse things than making a fool of yourself.
183. Though not many.
184. The luxury of graciousness.
185. How to manage their Imposter Syndrome.
186. The nuances of the lies they tell themselves.
187. How to say, “enough!”
188. They will not like everyone.
189. Not everyone is like them.
190. Not everyone will like them.
191. They don’t have to please everyone.
192. Effectiveness is grounded in strategy.
193. How to trust experience.
194. “That’s just me” is a bogus boast.
195. Humor is a tricky tool.
196. Humor goes a long way when deftly employed.
197. There is no “how” without a “why.”
198. How to prevent routine from becoming a rut.
199. Pleasure from saying, “tell me more.”
200. How to moderate their quirks.
201. How to be resourceful in finding essential resources.
202. The respect offered an adult needs to be offered a child.
203. “Respect” is another word for “Recognize.”
204. More than they did a year ago.
205. How to cook a favorite meal.
206. How to revisit a difficult conversation.
207. How to express their uncomfortableness with an idea.
208. How to appreciate a well-crafted euphemism.
209. Their obligations to creating clarity over equivocation.
210. The dangers of meanness.
211. How to be vulnerable.
212. How to affirm vulnerability shown by others.
213. How not to be distracted by obvious distractions.
214. How not to suffer fools easily.
215. Confidence can be fickle depending upon the circumstance.
216. How not to be discouraged by that fickleness.
217. There is an abiding pleasure in helping others.
218. How to be generous with encouragement.
219. The feel of operating from a place of gratitude.
220. The virtue of Eutrapelia.
221. The difference between confidence and courage.
222. How to forgive their own self.
223. How to forgive the other.
224. They have no need to boast.
225. They have no need to be needlessly modest.
226. The magic of looking someone in the eye.
227. How and why and when to post to social media.
228. How to tell an entertaining story.
229. The value of therapy.
230. That “I wish” is not a wish.
231. The closer they accomplish a goal, the wilier become their doubts.
232. Public presenting is a gift and not a chore.
233. Asking for help is not a character defect.
234. Asking for help is a compliment.
235. Good people don’t always do what they say they’re going to do.
236. Becoming ever more fully human requires conscious commitment.
237. How to relax.
238. People can’t read their mind.
239. They can’t read another person’s mind.
240. Not to confuse “similar to” with what is unique in the moment.
241. There’s no benefit in rewriting history.
242. The difference between hope and catastrophic expectations.
243. People are consistent – for good and ill.
244. Most people want to avoid conflict.
245. The value of a healthy, difficult conversation.
246. Cynicism is toxic.
247. Life, ultimately, is all in the details.
248. To change is to be human.
249. Confidence is an acquired trait.
250. Life is good and worthy of their best.
     

Do you want to break through the negative thinking 

that is preventing you from being influential and heard?

To explore how one-on-one communication skills coaching can help 

you present you with enhanced confidence,

contact me at:

JP@thebusinessofconfidence.com

818-415-8115

I recently took on a client who is focused on changing not just her job, but career field as well. She’s used her past two sessions strategizing for interview techniques.  

One of the techniques I gave her involves the word “because.”  

As odd as this tip might appear, it does impact the tone of a conversation. I learned this technique from a seven-year-old boy.

I loved hanging out with my godson, Finn, when he was young. Smart, bright, funny, one of the things he most enjoyed was to come up with ways to drive me crazy! 

For instance, he’d play that game where he repeated everything I said, exactly as I said it, so I felt like I was in an echo chamber talking to myself.  

The other thing he loved was to ask me, “Why?”  

When I said something, he’d immediately ask, “why?”  and no matter my answer, he’d just respond, “why?”

At first, I tried to come up with a real answer to his “why” question. Eventually, though, my brain would fry and I’d move on to wacky answers, until, I’d just yell, “because, that’s why!”  

And then he’d laugh.

As annoying as this game was, it actually replicated a common pattern in most conversations and interviews.

Often times, we say something without exactly explaining it.  

Then the other person will ask, “why do you say that?”  And then you try to explain with, “because. . .”

In an interview, if you make a statement without giving the “because” part, the person experiencing the interview will wonder, why does she think that? Why does he believe that? Why do they feel that why?

Giving people the “because” part of why you think something helps to give them a fuller sense of what you mean. 

The truth is, we’re always asking “why?” even when we’re not saying the word out loud.  

Throughout our daily conversations, people will say stuff that makes us scratch our heads and think, “huh?”  

You might ask the other person to explain; often times, though, we don’t.

In an interview, you want to reduce the times the other person thinks, “huh?”  That’s why you want to give them a “because.”

Now, if you’re tempted to dismiss this as a “nice” tip, but one you’ll not use, consider this rather odd experiment. . .

Years ago, a university sociologist conducted a simple experiment at a library: when someone approached the photocopier, another person, an actor, would walk up and ask, “Excuse me, may I go ahead of you? I need to make five copies, because I’m in a rush.”  94% of the people allowed the person to go ahead of them. 

Okay, so people were polite and willing to help out a person in need.  BUT, the sociologist then gave the experiment a twist.  

The actor would next go up to a person at the copier and just ask, “Excuse me, may I go ahead of you because I have to make five copies?”  And this time, 93% of the people let the actor go ahead of them – even though he had offered a ridiculous reason!

How can it be explained?  It’s because of the power of that word “because.”  

People psychologically feel satisfied when their “why” question (whether they say it aloud or just think it) is answered – even with a dumb answer.

Now, I am NOT suggesting you give nonsensical answers to your interview questions!  

BUT, I am suggesting that you give thought to the “why” behind your statements. 

Let interviewers know “why” you think and feel the way you do, without them having to ask, and you’ll give them a clearer sense of you.  

In return, they’ll pay more attention to you, 

which really is what you want an interviewer to do. . .because. . .

you want to land that job!

now THAT is the business of confidence. . .

Do you want to break through the negative thinking that is preventing you from being influential and heard?

To explore how one-on-one communication skills coaching can help you present you with enhanced confidence, 

contact me at:

  JP@jpboc.com

Mick Short

Do you recognize that name?  

No?  Well, it’s the name of the man of my dreams.  

Seriously.  

I’m going to tell you a story that is so odd I’ve wrestled with whether I should even share it in any kind of public arena. I’ve decided, though, that it is too weird not to share. . .

For Christmas a friend gave me a wool ski cap from sportswear company ROOTS. I don’t ski but she knows I like hats.  

One night last week it got really cold here in the Valley and I decided to sleep wearing the cap. That tidbit is not the embarrassing part of this story!

I typically go into a deep sleep and have dreams that play out like movies. 

I don’t actually recall my ROOTS-capped dream except that I woke up remembering that there was a man in my dream named “Mick Short.”  (names and locations changed)

Odd as I don’t know anyone with that name – I don’t even think I’ve ever met a “Mick.”

In the days following, I wondered what could be significant about “Mick Short.” 

Finally, I decided to check if there was a Mick Short on LinkedIn. Yeah, this is the part where things get really weird.

I typed in his name and a bunch of “Mick Short” folk popped up – the first Mick, though, lives in Maine and is an executive. . .for ROOTS sportswear!  

WHAT THE???

I get a ROOTS ski cap as a gift.  

I sleep with the cap.  

I dream about Mick Short.  

Mick works for ROOTS – in the non-dream world.  

What can I say?  

I have been in awe of the “coincidence” / synchronicity of it all. . .and once again, I am invited to remember that there is more to life than I can fully comprehend.

So, what does it all mean?  

I don’t know.  

What I do know, though, is that I’ve been reminded just how easy it is to take the wonder of life for granted.  

In my life –

I want order and predictability.  

I want apps that will give organization to my day.  

I want food that’s fast.  

I want knowledge and connection and gratification that are at my fingertips tapping on a smart phone or tablet.  

And all of that is beyond great.  

It’s phenomenal really, especially when you know that an olive green princess wall phone and an IBM Selectrix typewriter were the height of my teenaged high-tech world!  

Mick Short, though, reminds me that there is so much more to life.

In his play, “Small Craft Warnings,” Tennessee Williams has one of the characters ask this question –

“What is the one thing you must not lose sight of in this world before leaving it?  Surprise. The capacity for surprise.”

Life, as you know all too well, is full of shocks that can knock us about.  

Surprise, though, is something else.  

It’s what gives life moments of refreshment and healing.  

Surprise can remind us that although life is whacky, it summons us to put forth whatever good we have in us.

If I were a songwriter, I’d probably write a ditty about Mick Short, but I’m not. 

Instead, at the start of this new year, I’m going to let him challenge me – challenge me to renew my respect for the mystery of life and people.  

I’m resolved to renew my commitment to being curious, to letting go and to being grateful.

Okay, that last sentence really sounds nice – but – it masks my frustration. 

Have I done anything differently since my ROOTS-inspired dream?  

Not really.  

Yet, I know that within that dream lies the invitation for 2023 –

To not live in a numbed state.  

To live a life that is as vibrant as my dreams.  

That is Mick’s gift – a call to renewal.

and THAT’s the business of confidence!

In 1982 John Naisbett published his prescient “Megatrends,” in which he predicted ten seismic societal shifts by millennium’s start. Perhaps his most enduring prediction is what he called “high tech/high touch.”  He maintained that as society became more technologized, we would feel an ever-greater need to connect through real-time, sensory experiences. And so it is today.

The majority of us are social-media connected, addicted to our smart phones and in love with anything “tablet.”  Still, though, for all of our linking, liking, tweeting and hashtagging, I continually encounter people who feel a certain dis-connect and isolation.

I spend my days offering workshops on those “soft skills” of interpersonal communication and I’m now convinced that the workshop forum is a prime opportunity for creating a “high touch” experience – a place for people to connect in real time with real people.  

10 strategies for engaging and stimulating participants in your workshop – without using PowerPoint!

1. Check your attitude 

Your goal is “to give” not “to impress.”  Presenters bent on impressing tend to “data dump” which only paralyzes participants. You will genuinely impress with the quality of information you offer – not the quantity. “Quality” means “clarity.” You’ll know you offered clarity if, at workshop’s end, people leave feeling challenged and looking forward to working with you again. 

2. Ditch the slides 

I appreciate the benefit PowerPoint offers certain types of presentations; however, I opt not to use any slides in my workshops.  My reason is this – slides compel people to look at the slides and not at each other – or me!  All the information I could put on a slide I can put into handouts and links that people can read and digest at their own pace.  

If all you’re giving participants are slides, then they don’t need you.

What are you giving them that a slide can’t? Answer: a “high-touch” experience of connection shared with others.

3. Create a road-map  –  so as to be able to think on your feet

No matter the length of your workshop, you’re going to take folks on a journey. By the time participants get home from your workshop, they’ll have forgotten at least half of what you said. And 24-hours later, they will have forgotten half of that half. 

When the workshop is over, what do you want them to feel, know and do? Let the answers to these three questions guide your strategy for mapping out your work.

4. Introduce yourself with a story

Tell people the story of your relationship to the workshop’s topic or theme. A resume or LinkedIn profile is not a story. Give people insight into your passion for the topic and not simply recite your expertise. Passion makes you likeable, interesting and trustworthy.  

5. Begin the day’s work with a question

You want to get folks thinking about the workshop topic in a way they may never have thought about before. In my workshops on managing difficult behavior, I begin by asking, “what makes someone difficult for you?” People laugh and write quickly. BUT then I ask, “what makes you difficult for other people?” Hmm. . .tougher question and now they pause. They don’t like to think of themselves as “difficult.” It’s those uncomfortable moments of “pause” that engage people.

The entire workshop experience should be an oasis – a safe place for participants to consider the topic in ways they normally wouldn’t.

6. Get people talking with each other

Workshop learning takes place in three ways – from you, from the information you provide along with the handouts and resources you offer AND from the give-n-take of the participants. Conversation is vital to the dynamic of a workshop.  

Introduce each section of your work with an inventory, questionnaire or question that helps them focus and reflect on the topic before you present your information. When they’ve completed the exercise have them turn to the person next to them and compare answers.  

Getting people to talk with each other relaxes them, energizes them and helps them connect with the material, reminding them they’re not alone.

7. Encourage questions

Perhaps the greatest gift you can give participants is the gift of questions because you want to get them thinking, questioning and wondering.  This is what will propel them in their work after the workshop is over.

Are you comfortable taking questions and thinking on your feet?  If not, ask the participants to help answer a question. A participant in a workshop I offered on cross-cultural communication had a challenge at work that stumped me. I invited him to diagram the issue on the whiteboard (it involved direct reports in four countries). Writing on the board got him clarity in his thinking of the problem and helped us all to visualize it. After a few moments of silence, a woman asked, “what if you. . .?”  and it became an “aha!” moment. He took her suggestion and ran with it, coming up with his own answer.  The room was electrified and we repeated the process with others. No slide could duplicate that exchange!

8. Use humor    

Humor is always a tricky and sensitive skill; however, even if you’re presenting on a cure for some medical malady, tension and intensity needs to be relieved. A light-hearted spirit that reveals the likable side of your personality makes people feel comfortable.  The more comfortable they feel, the more engaged they become. 

9. Don’t give them all the answers 

Rather then “telling” people information or supplying ready answers, see if they can first envision the answers. For instance, in a workshop on motivating employees, I asked “How do you know if someone is engaged at work?” Participants readily supplied what are actually the top ten characteristics of a engaged employee. Then I asked, “What do you have to do to bring about that profile?”  That’s the harder question. Rather than giving them the answer, I broke them into groups. In their totality the groups came up with the answers that replicated those in the handouts I later distributed. Now those handouts made sense!

10. Have them write a letter to themselves  

As your final exercise, have each person write a letter to their own self. The letter is simply a reminder of what they most want to remember from the workshop. Yes, this is an old-fashioned technique, yet, it’s been shown that actually writing something helps us connect more with an idea. You will mail the letter back to them four weeks later. Too often, people go to a workshop, get a nice folder of “stuff” and then file it away back at the office. The letter should be a reminder of what they want to be doing during the following month based on the workshop.  

“Change” only happens through practice. This letter helps with the practice. 

BONUS: Supply follow-up resources

The easiest way to supply handouts is by having people fill out a form that contains a checklist of workshop-related topics on which you can email them articles. I also provide a box they can check off if they want info on my 1-on-1 and in-house coaching  and training programs. This allows us to continue connecting.

Why is this non-Power-Pointed approach successful?  It’s successful because people feel connected – to you, to each other and to the material. 

They feel connected because the strategy of the workshop is based on the power of conversation and story and so “facts” come alive.

This approach ultimately is successful because you present yourself in a way that reassures participants that you are like them – someone who is seeking to improve. Your excitement reassures them that they can take your material and do something with it.  And all of this brings about enjoyment.  

Why give a workshop that people are not going to enjoy?

now THAT’s the business of confidence!

Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be.

But what will happen in all the other days that ever come can depend on what you do today.

Ernest Hemingway

Earlier this month I met up at a Starbucks with Peter (names changed), a former UCLA student of mine. As we were talking, a middle-aged woman approached us. She was out of breath as she pointed to Peter’s red water bottle, “Is that yours?” she asked with what I thought was an accusatory twinge.

Awkward!

Peter gave her a startled, “It’s mine!” To my New York eyes she had a “you’re lying” look in her eyes.

Peter stared at her and then did the most remarkable thing – he offered her his water bottle, asking, “Would you like to take it?”

“Is it yours?” she again asked.

“Yes.”

“Well, if it’s yours I don’t want it” – she said with more a whiff of confusion than annoyance.

Peter held it out saying, “You can have it – it seems the bottle meant a lot to you.”

This unusually kind gesture snapped her back into the moment. She was thrown off balance. As was I!

She left without the bottle. When I complimented Peter on his kindness, he shrugged, saying, “It’s just a water bottle. She seemed more invested in it than I am, so why not give it to her?”

Wow!

Peter thought little of the encounter – I, though, was blown away by his composed generosity.

In these weeks following I’ve been thinking about Peter’s particular style of confidence.

He was not quick to feel judged because he has such a solid sense of himself. This allowed him to practice an uncommon generosity to a stranger who was emotionally stressed.

Even as I write this I am in awe of his generosity BECAUSE that generosity is wonderfully grounded in a sense of confidence.

Peter adapted to the circumstance of the moment, took the woman and her situation in stride knowing that life is littered with the whack-a-do!

Doing something unexpected in a conversation, in a relationship – heck, in your life – takes confidence. SO – the question is – how do you develop that kind of confidence?

That kind of confidence is a choice.

Peter reminded me that we choose the kind of confidence we want to display in our daily life.

Confidence is manifested differently in each of us. For Peter – to be confident is to be generous.

You.

Me.

We each have to decide what confidence will look like and sound like in our own life.

After writing that last sentence, I stopped and reflected on what confidence looks like for me. I’m not terribly proud of my answer. . .

Because I was bullied growing up, I resolved when I was in college that I would never again allow anyone to verbally intimidate me (and, yes, there’s anger laced in that sentence).

I resolved to not be afraid of others who were physically imposing.

I decided to not be afraid of people whose lives were so very different from mine.

And, yes, because of the confident people who have been so generous to me, somewhere along the way I resolved to ground my confidence in generosity.

However, I’ve yet to give away my water bottle!

What does it mean to be confidently generous and not simply be nice or kind?

It means that you’re willing to act in unexpected ways that surprise both the other person and you!

It means acting out in specific gestures – offered because you want the other person(s) to experience something good.

It means being consistent in surprising others.

And to use my favorite Italian word, it means having a sense of sprezzatura * which is what makes confidence SO attractive.

Sometimes, while going about the business of confidence it’s easy to forget the hidden dimensions to being confident.

Peter reminded me that in its essence to be confident is to be generous.

Do you want to become more confident?

consider this:

·     If you were more confident, what would you do MORE of?

·     If you were more confident, what would you do LESS of?

·     What is the “water bottle” you can offer to someone this week? This month?

I typically begin my workshops with this observation from guru Seth Godin:

We need you to provide the things that are unexpected, scarce, and valuable. Scarcity and abundance have been flipped. High- quality work is no longer scarce. Competence is no longer scarce, either. We have too many good choices – there’s an abundance of things to buy and people to hire.

What’s scarce is trust, connection, and surprise.

In other words, what is scare is generosity.

And the #1 thing confident people really do well? They continually replenish that scarcity!

now THAT’s the business of confidence!

* graceful conduct or performance without apparent effort